Devil’s Workshop
Over the weekend, I frantically transcended my spatiotemporal limitations. Faster, faster, shouted Lickety Split, my Germanic life coach. Luckily, most people die before they’re killed. To compensate for my tendency toward early satiety, I wore the devil’ red, ribald shoes—only one size larger. Of course, on any given day in America, you can find in jail half a million nearly innocent people who pleaded not guilty. Humanitarian weapons will soon be arriving by chartered planes and tanks. Till then, just try to act normal. I don’t know why the universe is expanding. Maybe it’s running away from itself? Let the stars and planets speak for themselves. They don’t need an attorney. Before I become prematurely famous, I’d like to raise one or two salient points: Triangulum is the most distant galaxy visible to the naked eye. People who like the smell of gunpowder often fall in love with people who will later murder them. Put on some clothes, Muppet. Clean hands are the devil’s workshop.
Bugs
Insects naturally align their bodies along a north/south planetary axis. Nonetheless, they have to learn to enjoy the taste of humans. But who doesn’t? Since I had my hair cut by last summer’s bomb cyclone, I no longer look like myself— not even in x-rays—although I’m now able to enjoy space-time more than ever. Of course, I’m not picky. I’d be willing to settle for one or the other. Hey, if you’d like to become an expert on an anonymous topic of your choice, be sure to choose a disguise that has you written all over it. After all, a stick bug, walking, looks just like a walking stick bug. Yesterday, when my broker called to tell me that my portfolio is looking up, and that my environmentally sensitive investments in the nuclear weapons industry have mushroomed, I reminded him that whenever a six-legged, robotic exterminator visits your home, you can be sure it’s looking for more than bugs to devour.
Brad Rose is the author of five collections of poetry and flash fiction: Lucky Animals, No. Wait. I Can Explain, Pink X-Ray, de/tonations, and Momentary Turbulence. WordInEdgeWise is forthcoming. Brad is also the author of seven poetry chapbooks, among them, Democracy of Secrets, An Evil Twin is Always in Good Company, and Funny You Should Ask. His website is www.bradrosepoetry.com